Culinary Developer's Saccharin Blues
Monday, October 31, 2005
I know my readerbase is composed only of the most observant members of society, so I'm merely commenting on old news. I've recently added links to two blogs I enjoy. I've added links to two tu-tus too.

The first one, "Spiritually Lonely", is written by someone I personally know, under the pseudonym "musing". They're mainly authoring the blog under a pen-name because they have seen first-hand the devastating effects of overwhelming blog-induced fame in my life. This new blog deals with the experiences of a "spiritually and intellectually lonely" Christian and the dichotomy of the church and the Church. Unravel your own theological musings here.

The second blog I recommend is "Cul de Sac Blues", by Guy Wonders. I don't know if this is Guy's real name or not. If it is his name, his parents came up with a really clever name; if it's not, someone else came up with a really clever name. Guy's prose is a witty and well-written account of the happenings in "the Sack", a Canadian cul de sac filled with ordinary but interesting people. Many cul de sac events and characters are described. One recurring topic concerns a fated house that burned down early in the blog's life which Guy has appropriately dubbed "Burning Manor". Find Burning Manor and the rest of the CDSB crew here.

Also, for those of you that got your hopes up about tu-tu content, I give you this.
Bovine Beatnik
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Cows are delicious
I like them in tortillas
With lettuce and cheese

Cheeseburgers fear me
They moo in desperation
Don't care; I'm hungry

Tasty white liquid
Squeezed from dangling teats
Must-have for cookies
Moo Please
If I am ever asked what my favorite animal is, I answer "cow" with no hesitation. I imagine a scenario in which someone comes to me and says, "Random species of animal will be going extinct very soon. We have a way of saving one of them. Is there any species you would like to preserve?"


I realize that when people ask this, they're generally not curious to know which animal tastes best. Most people would answer "dog" or "horse" or something else that provides companionship or high-quality glue. I think more with my stomach: beef, milk, cheese. You see, I am a lover of these food items. My wife has even called me "the cheesman" on occasion. In my world, Tex-Mex, cheeseburgers, and a great steak trump companionship. Besides, what are you going to drink with chocolate chip cookies or Oreos if the cows dissappear?

I like chicken well enough, but prefer the red meat. Also, I am not aware of any delicious liquids that can be squeezed out of a chicken. "What about goat milk or deer meat?" I hear you ask. Yes, I acknowledge that other animals can lactate or be eaten. They're not familiar to me and honestly, have never tasted quite right. Every time I try something different, cow is the baseline comparison. I have never uttered the words, "You know, this is better than beef."

What about cows for companionship? Sure, they smell, weigh half a ton, and don't fetch, but they will mow your lawn. Plus, they can be tipped or used as transportation in a bind.

Ah, who am I kidding? I'm hungry.
Inspirational Interlude
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Was doing my nightly blog-surfing and came across a post that I thought was worth linking to for my enormous reader-base. All two of you.

If you don't feel like reading the entire post, I'll give you the synopsis. Special K, hereafter SK, was away from his wife and family on a business trip. He got a call from his wife informing him of a potential problem with her father's upcoming surgery. Without the need for detail, SK apologized to his customer and caught the next plane home. All because his family needed him more than his job.

The following paragraph really stood out and made me think about being a better person:
It is times like this that we all need to do what ever it is that will make us proud. That sounds selfish in a way, but really it allows me to get outside of myself and see the end of the ordeal. In each action, will I be happy with myself over the decisions that I made? If I help ease pain where I can and I act in the best interest of others then I will be proud of myself. Sometimes that will mean doing things and saying things that soothe or sometimes hurt, but always with others’ best interest in mind. I can live or die in peace with that.
Great wisdom for living a meaningful life. This of course presumes that the person finds pride in living morally and has a solid character.

I've realized over the years that I'll only sympathize if I think the cause is worthwhile. All too often I ignore the fact that others are hurt or do intensely care, and that I may have no other use but to support them.

On a somewhat-related sidenote: I'm going to wear out the "next blog" button up at the top of the page before anyone else gets to use it. I highly recommend pressing it a few times before I do and see what turns up.
Grab Bag Weakness
Monday, October 24, 2005
I've recently come to terms with the fact that I have a soft-spot for exchanging my money for unknown items. Any time I see a deal that involves a company sending me a container of items that they claim to be valuable, but do not disclose the exact contents, I want.

I don't think I've made many purchases of this nature, but I'm always intrigued by the idea. It's as if I'm giving myself a gift; I can't wait to get it home and open it up to find out what goodies await. Obviously, I have to trust the company enough to know that I won't be receiving a case of Billy Ray Cyrus tapes and shampoo samples.

The latest grab bag I ordered was JR Cigars' Trick or Treat special. This is the marketing that sold me:
For $39.95, you're gonna get a bunch of good cigars and other goodies. The size of your box and the stuff you receive is dependent strictly on chance.
I trust JR Cigars. They sell cigars at good prices, and I've gotten some incredible deals from them. So I placed my order knowing I would get some great cigars at a good value. The other stuff they would throw in just added to the fun. They didn't let me down.

Now just because I know you're dying to find out what was in the box:
  • A bunch of cigars
  • Humidifying cards
  • Humidifying device
  • Canvasy jacket with the Montecristo logo embroidered on the breast
  • Montecristo fitted hat
  • Deodorant sample
  • Cheap cigar cutter
I was satisfied with the deal when I pulled out the huge bag of cigars. I was happy when I saw they threw in a really nice hat. I was confused when I pulled out the deodorant sample... but I was elated when I tugged on the fabric at the bottom of the box and pulled out an entire jacket.

Yes, I used the word, "elated". The jacket is mostly cotton, but it's got a very rugged canvasy feel. The collar is leather, with more cow-skin around the wrists. The package was easily worth $40.

If you're a cigar smoker who's never shopped at, I highly recommend it. You'll find their prices extremely reasonable. Maybe you'll even get a jacket some day. If you're lucky.
Bueno Paja
Saturday, October 22, 2005
I got hungry last night at about 10:00 PM and didn't feel like a bowl of Beanie Weenies or soup, so I decided to head up to the local authentic Mexican restaurant: Taco Bueno. I stopped and placed my order at the large menu of shining tastiness, then obediently pulled up to the window. Typically, the person standing behind the hinging glass window is filling my drink or taking someone else's order or waiting to tell me the price in person so I can pay. Not this night.
I'm digging through my wallet for money and she opens the window. She then smiles and asks, "Do you like skeletons?"

This is a bizarre question to be asked. I think I can confidently state that I've ever been asked it before by anyone else. I attempted later to imagine scenarios where this question may be appropriate. Here we go, in no certain order:

Acceptable Situations in Which to Be Asked the Question, "Do you like skeletons?"
  1. You have a skeleton tattoo.
  2. You are a Grateful Dead fan and own the album "Skeletons From the Closet" and a friend is browsing your collection.
  3. You are in an appropriate education program, ie. medicine, anthropology.
  4. You tell someone that Paris Hilton would be attractive if she lost some weight.
Notice I did not include, "You have just pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast food restaurant" in that list. Now, I really messed up my chance at a witty retort. I weakly answered, "They're not my favorite." Not sure what that means exactly. I know it does mean that I'm not a skeleton-fanatic like all of those crazy skeleton-loving people out there. The question and answer should have been:
Weird Drive-Through Lady: "Do you like skeletons?"
Funnier Version of Me: "Well, I really like mine."
She informs me that they are having a promotion at Taco Bueno: every time someone purchases the far-too-large drink, they get a fun straw with a halloween-type character on it. Seeing that skeletons are "not my favorite", she asks me if I'd rather have any others and rattled off the possible options that I have forgotten. Likely wolfmen and vampires. I tried to show an obvious apathy towards my selection and replied, "I don't know... why don't you surprise me?"

Oh no! No surprising on a monumental choice like this! Weird Drive-Through Lady will not let me have my food until I choose a straw. She asks me my favorite color next.


"We don't have blue."

At this point, I'm really just wanting her to take my money. Oh no, we have a straw to pick out.

"We have green, yellow, red..."

"Green is fine."

So I get the ghost straw, which actually looks more like a slug than a ghost. I couldn't pinpoint a face on the thing. So I get my food now, right? Nope.

"If you want any of the other straws, you can buy them for $0.28 and collect them all."

I didn't think I'd shown enough interest in the straws up to that point to warrant a bartering session for more of them. Needless to say, her sales pitch fell on deaf ears. Rejected and finally bored with her captive, she did finally give me food.

I drove back home, unwrapped the delicious burritos, and scraped the tomatos off with a flourescent green slug watching me.
Ambitious Nose Hair
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I am apparently the owner and fertile ground for a very ambitious nose hair.

I'm not one of those old guys with a couple furry pom-poms firmly inserted in the nostrils; I only have one hair follicle with the amibition to leave the comfort of the nose.

The problem is that when alone, a nose hair can go unnoticed. It's a sneaky little ninja hair. I don't start noticing it until it starts curling out and touching other parts of my face. I start fidgeting with my nose a lot, and receive a lot of "stop picking your nose" comments from the wife. That's when I know it's time to pull out the scissors. (For the hair, of course.)

When I realize I need to trim my nose hair, I'm not around scissors or a mirror. It's the same way with my nails. Sure, I realize they're a little too long (ninja hair or fingernails), but I just forget at the right time.

Now, the other problem with a ninja nose hair is that it doesn't really necessitate a fancy nose hair trimmer. I just use the scissors.

Now imagine, if you haven't done this yourself, trying to stick a very sharp piece of metal inside your nose and guiding it towards the root of a ninja hair. Now try doing it while staring in the mirror, so everything you do is backwards. It's like that old Operation game where you try to perform surgery on the clown, but this time instead of hearing an annoying 'buzz' when you mess up, you bleed.

I really am a clean guy. Hopefully the personal hygiene story doesn't make that hard to believe.