Source Comment-o'-the-Day
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Non-coders can safely ignore this one. I just needed to document it. Pun not intended, but enjoyed and allowed to remain.

I'm plowing through a client's large PHP script to convert the output from HTML to PDF. The formatting is generally awful, with indentation all over the place and unneccessary code tossed about like an excited Shriner firing candy at a parade crowd. Sure, it's fun to watch, but you won't ever watch anything again if a piece hits you in the eye.

I digress.

Source code is the human-readable language that programmer's write that in-turn becomes a piece of software through various means. Good programmers will add comments to their source when it is unclear why they are doing something or even what they're doing at all.

Today I ran across the following helpful source comment:

//store a character in a variable.

This is similar to a movie review going this way:

//there was an actor in a plot.

Alright, back to work.
Fair Warning
Saturday, January 28, 2006
I've been spending far more time at a funeral home lately than anyone should possibly care to. I've been doing some development work generating some year-end reports in a small, normally-quiet room.

Unfortunately, when the room is not quiet, I'm listening to the sounds from the chapel down the hall where people are attending funeral services. This provides a predictable song list of Amazing Grace and various other hymns, with a sprinkling of contemporary music.

Now the warning. If I die and someone at my funeral sings "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe, I will do my best to roll my coffin off the coffin-holder, lumber/crawl up to the person holding the microphone, and bite them. If I am instead cremated, I will attempt to form a swirling cloud of menacing ash to ... induce sneezing, I suppose.

Speaking of corpse-handling, my work at a funeral home/cemetary has further convinced me that cremation is the way to go. I sit at a "desk" with a large map of the cemetary hanging above me on the wall. It appears to have a bajillion cemetary plots. These cemetary plots are not reusable, as far as I know. While I understand the sense of memorial that comes with a rock and a patch of grass, it still seems we're allotting a lot of grass for a long time.

I don't require a land purchase in conjunction with my death. Burn me up, sprinkle me into a cigar ashtray, and play Johnny Cash's rendition of "We'll Meet Again". (or face the dire consequences)
Uncomfortable in Bangladesh
Friday, January 27, 2006
As a child, you are often reminded of the poor impoverished people in Africa. Leave okra on your plate? Don't you know that there are people in Africa that are starving and would love your fried greenish things?

Why doesn't anyone ever extend this logic to other wasted things?

Take a long shower? Don't you know that there are people in Egypt that are dehydrated?

Throw away a Wall Street Journal without reading it? Don't you know there are poor stock traders in New York that don't read the Weekend Edition?
Feature and Warning
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Printed along the top of every can of Kraft Easy Cheese is the phrase, "no need to refrigerate".

I know that most people don't need any warning against buying cheese in a can, but if they wanted one, that's it.

Would you be willing to try milk that claimed the same "feature"?
The Problem with Slacks
Friday, January 13, 2006
This is the second installment in a series titled, "Things You Hang Around Your Waist".

When wearing jeans, I have no problem finding somewhere to wipe my hands. In fact, as long as the substance-to-be-wiped is not an incredible amount of blood (or other bodily fluid), mustard, grape juice, or other hard-to-treat stain, I instinctively go to the denim napkin, or denkins.

The great thing about jeans these days is that people want them to look bad. To prove my point, go to any "fashionable" store or celebrity and look at the jeans they have. Holes. Patches. Soon you'll be seeing realistic stains so I can finally wipe mustard on my denkins.

The problem with slacks is that they're supposed to look clean and sharp. Professionals do not have time to look cool with big gaping holes and shredded pockets. Now that I'm wearing slacks more often than jeans, I'm having a hard time resisting the instinct.

...and that, my friends, is likely the exact dialogue that invented the handkerchief. Unfortunately, the original inventors did not have the foresight to make the handkerchief out of denim. A denkinchief, if you will.
Stop Eating Belts
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
I was in the bathroom the other day when inspiration hit me:

"I know what people want to read about! Bacteria!"

"Bingo!", I hear you think out loud to yourself.

When a person relieves themself in the restroom, or I suppose anywhere they choose, they must shift their clothing in some manner. When they are finished, the aforementioned clothing must be shifted back to a position that will prevent criminal charges. After the post-shift, some people choose to wash their hands.

Point: You unshifted your clothes before washing your hands. This means that some of those cooties you diligently scrub off are domiciling in your shifted clothes. Not sanitary, but you'll likely wash your clothes before wearing them again.

Now. Think about any belts that belong to one of these events. When is the last time you washed a belt?

Isn't that gross?