Spicy Chicken Parts
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
There are some foods in the world that have a mysterious popularity. Some of this mystery can be ascribed to cultural differences, taste preferences, or supply, but there are others that fall outside of these simple categories. I'd like to analyze one of these food mysteries today. The sports-fan and guy-who-goes-to-Hooters-but-just-for-the-food favorite: buffalo wings.

A short research on the buffalo wing has at least explained that "buffalo" refers to the city, not the animal. "Three links in one sentence means I'm a real blog now, by the way," said the blog.

I like boneless buffalo/chicken wings, because I like chicken meat slathered with spicy sauce that I can dip in ranch or bleu cheese. I'm not a huge fan of sucking meat off of a bone. Especially when the object I'm "eating" is more bone than meat. This thought birthed the explanatory epic that follows:
The head honchos over at Tyson one day were examining the efficiency of the "Poultry Dismemberment and Mutiliation Facility" when they were shocked how long it was taking the workers and worker-bots to extrapolate meat in the "various small parts" department. They decided that the relatively small amount of meat they were getting was not worth the inordinate amount of time invested.

What would they now do with these too-small chicken parts?

Many consultants were queried and thinktanks formed to answer this troublesome question. Some preferred tossing the parts. Some responded with research of smaller workers and worker-bots to better handle the small chicken-parts. Some recommended a study to find out where these small chickens or large chickens with small parts are coming from.

The answer that stuck was the simplest: convince the consumer to suck the meat off themselves.

"Preposterous!" the executives cried. "People will never buy a package of bones with the tiniest slivers of meat hanging from them!"

"We will develop a tasty sauce, with the spicy kick to make them forget they resemble a hyena gnawing at a wildebeest already picked clean save the small scraps the well-fed lions looked over," the consultants rejoined.
"The rest", they say, "is culinary history".

8 Comments:

Blogger the mom said...

Oh the wisdom thou dost have. Heck, they should do like mcdonalds and just grind it all up and make "chicken nuggets".

2/10/2006 9:13 AM  
Blogger enderC said...

I ain't never seen nuggets on no chicken.

--1994

2/10/2006 10:02 AM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

Having spent more than one night at the Anchor Bar, and being well-versed in wing history, I can tell you that your 'epic,' although innacurate, is at least close enough to the truth to wave at it.

The story I've heard told is that Frank Bellisimo ordered a few hundred dozen wings for his restaurant, either by mistake or because they were inexpensive.

His original idea was to separate the wing meat from the bones and make something that way, but it was too much work, so he just deep fried them, and had his wife mix up a hot sauce to serve them with, then added the celery and blue cheese because they were the cheapest vegetables/dressings they had.

And they were a hit. Of course, when you're drinking in a bar because it's 20 degrees outside with three feet of snow and you've got nothing to do until the traffic clears up, you don't really mind taking the time to knaw the meat off the bone. You've got nothing else to do anyhow.

I've been eating wings pretty regularly since 1978, and I can strip a wing clean in about 3 seconds. It's an acquired skill.

Yeharr

2/10/2006 10:26 AM  
Blogger Clint said...

Eerily close to the truth, pirate. At least the problem and solution.

Also, I make it sound as if I scoff at the comman man that would lower himself to suck at a chicken wing, but I'd happily pull up a barstool, order a cold one, and gnaw away.

I'd still look like a hyena.

It's probably blasphemous to a seasoned wing-sucker like yourself, but I have to say that a crispy boneless chicken strip doused in the same wing sauce is mighty tasty.

2/10/2006 10:32 AM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

Anything that involves the nearly useless appendages of a chicken doesn't fall in the realm of the blasphemable in my book.

And if there was any blasphemin' to do, it would be the following statement:

My favorite wings right now come from a franchise operation based in Minneapolis: Buffalo Wild Wings' Spicy Garlic wings.

Second favorite's from PA: Quaker Steak & Lube's Buckeye BBQ.

Third Place is a joint in Syracuse, NY

Four & Five are bars in Rochester.

The Original Anchor Bar wings are sixth.

Hey, no lightning's striking me. Whaddya know?

Yeah, the boneless ones are tasty. That's what my #2 son orders.

I go with the wings 'cuz they're cheaper. I can get a dozen for about the same as he gets his six.

Yeharr

2/10/2006 3:34 PM  
Blogger Clint said...

Wow, I spelled common with an 'a' in my last comment.

I wonder how the amount of meat compares between your dozen and his half. I'd venture a guess that it's close, but I don't have my meat-testing tools with me right now.

2/10/2006 4:17 PM  
Anonymous dad said...

Buffalo Wing Dip is the best;
1-8 oz cream cheese
1-cup Ranch dressing
1-cup Franks hot sauce
1-cup shredded cheddar
1-cup shredded chicken (no bones)

Mix together and cook for 30 min at 350 degrees

2/11/2006 6:54 AM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

That sounds good, Dad.

And as far as meat amounts--you're probably right.

However--it's still cheaper, and it takes longer to eat. Just because I can strip a wing in seconds, doesn't mean I do. A dozen wings will last me into the third quarter of a football game. He's done in a three-and-out.

Yeharr

2/11/2006 10:57 AM  

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